Dear Ed,

The price is wrong, bitch! Haha. Remember that line from Happy Gilmore!? Oh wait. That was in reference to Bob Barker. I always get you two confused with the announcer voice and the foundation and the orange self-tanner. Anyway, the price is still wrong, bitch!

So, I’m sorry about your mortgage troubles. I wanted to tell you that I have some girlfriends back home in the motherland that have offered to “make you feerr better and ruv you rong time,” if you’re interested. You’re from that generation, right? I know your type. Even though you said “Johnny (Carson) once described our relationship by saying we were as close as two people could be without being married,” we all know you don’t like the puckered starfish and/or the frank and beans. You really like the South Pacific Hoo-Ha. It’s not your fault. It’s magical voodoo.

Ed, why is Wendy Pepper from Project Runway season 1 in your backseat? And why does your face look like she just gave you a shocker? You dirty old man. I love it.

Here’s a thought: You should go back and do more Budweiser commercials. Everyone likes a nice ice cold BL. Here’s another thought: David Beckham should divorce his too-tan bag of bones and marry me. It’d be mayja.

Love always,

Kitty